So it's a long time between February, when I wrote my last entry, to now. Yet it's gone quickly in a weird way.
The first thing that happened after my last effort was radiotherapy. If I said lying there being blasted with radiation was surprisingly comfortable, would you judge me? Because they treat such a specific area, you have to be in precisely the right position and every bit of you is propped up and supported. The only issue I had with this was the fact that they would leave music playing- I find it very difficult not to bop when I like a song. Saying that, it made the twenty minutes (every day for three weeks) go more quickly.
They tell you that it makes you tired. I thought- "More than chemo? Whatever!" I should have believed them; I have never felt so constantly exhausted in my life. I'd go out for a change of scene but was ready to go home and sleep for the rest of the day after a couple of hours. The staff were so amazingly nice though, especially as my birthday fell in the middle of the treatment (that day, it was first thing in the morning so we had the rest of the day to ourselves; cinema, fish and chips, one of my favourite tv programmes whilst building the Iron Man lego set my husband got me!)
When I was having trouble looking at my scar, one of the nurses gently pointed out to me that, while it was something that had to be done when I'm ready, it would help me come to terms with everything. And the longer I left it, the harder it would be. And anyway, it looked fine- better than a lot they had seen. I looked (albeit briefly) the next morning, and she was right. Its not that great looking, but it could be worse.
They also said that, once the treatment finished, I might feel vulnerable as everything stops all of a sudden. I was given the number of the Macmillan Councillors that work in the same building. Within hours of getting home after my last treatment, I realised, again, that they were right. I have had four sessions now and can honestly say that it is another example of the amazing work done by Macmillan!!
I gradually built my strength up but, when seeing the oncologist in May, I was thrown back into, for want of a better word, turmoil. I mentioned that I'd been having trouble (again, for want of a better word) weeing. She immediately said that it could be the result of something sinister on my spine effecting messages getting down my nervous system. It could also be cystitis (immediately ruled out after tests) or something else, but best to have an MRI scan to make sure. When I went for my scan, however, it turned out that because of the temporary expander they put in during my op, I couldn't have an MRI. Which was a learning curve for the team, as they haven't used this particular one very much.
So the next step was a ct scan of my spine. This took ages to come through (I won't lie- I was not impressed by the organisational skills of the ct department) but eventually I had it. Five days later, I had a phonecall from my Oncologist saying that it had come back clear, although she wanted to run a couple more tests to be sure. So I had a full body ct, an ultrasound and a blood test which all came back clear as well, although they did discover what was described as a calcified barnacle pressing on my bladder which could well be the cause of the irritation. Also, the lady doing the ultrasound told me that everything in my lady area looked normal for someone of my age which made me cry with relief!!
So within the space of a few days, the black cloud that had been hanging over me dissipated pretty much entirely. I hadn't realised how much it had been hanging over me until it suddenly wasn't! I knew I had times when I was particularly down, but I thought for the most part I had kept it under wraps. Now I feel about twenty pounds lighter!!
That's not to say that it's been all negative this past few months. We had our second wedding anniversary which we celebrated by going to the Harry Potter film studios (I was running around like a five year old, I was so excited), we've had two trips to stay with my husband's family to celebrate some birthdays, a weekend at a country club for a wedding... so there have been some brilliant moments.
The best thing though, has been going back to work. I started off doing two hours a day, and gradually built up from there. My colleagues have been brilliant, made me feel so comfortable going back and accepting if I got tired and needed to sit down, and can't do heavy lifting. It is so good to get back to normal, or a version of it. I'm not a patient now- I'm just me, at work.
It's obvious that the last year is going to have a lasting effect on me, physically and mentally. It has made me appreciate the wonderful friends and family that I have, and without sounding cliche, made me try not to sweat the small stuff.
I get lots of comments about my hair- it suits me/ do I like it? but I know it doesn't feel like 'me'. However, I'm not sure if my long blonde hair I used to have would either. It's a case in point as to how I've been effected- I'm not exactly how I used to be but I've yet to discover exactly how I've changed. In the meantime, I've got plenty to look forward to- a holiday, a wedding... it's all good!! So perhaps the new normal won't be so bad after all!!
